i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize