I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Randomize
