we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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