sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
