I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
