i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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