I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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