yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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