"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
These tits shall not be calmed
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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