I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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