if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
