The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We have started to decorate penises.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
