Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
