I just threw up on my dentist
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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