You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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