I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
