why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
we're making bets on your personal life
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
