so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I think your dad took our porno
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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