I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
and you fell through a lawn chair
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
