he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Even my vagina gasped.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
