Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize