Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
