There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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