I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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