YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
