I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
