I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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