I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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