I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
