yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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