I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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