I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
