my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
