i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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