dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
