My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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