i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
