I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
