nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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