I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
