I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
