Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
