my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
