Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
