Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
