it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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