Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
