I feel like abortions should bother me more
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
