Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
