I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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