Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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