I accidentally burped into my bong.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
