ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
