My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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