apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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